I’LL START TOMORROW
By Mike Epstein
“I’ll start tomorrow”
“I think I’ll wait until Monday”
“I have a big event coming up next week. I think I’ll wait until after that”
“I hurt myself. I can’t do any exercise. I’ll wait until I’m better”
“I’m going to eat anything and everything tonight. I’m starting my diet tomorrow”
“Can’t eat anything tonight. I’m getting weighed tomorrow”
“I’d rather have a table than a booth”
“Wow, I don’t remember these booths being so tight”
“Oh jeez, the chairs have armrests. Do they all have armrests?”
“I don’t want to go to that restaurant. All the chairs have armrests.”
“Can I have a seat belt extender?”
“Can I have an aisle seat?”
“Can I have a seat in the emergency exit row?”
“What do you mean you booked me in a middle seat?”
“What do you mean I have to buy another seat on this airplane?”
“You want to weigh me? I don’t think so. . You have to have the extra 100lb piece you hang on between the 150lb and 200lb slots. I know because I have this scale at home”
“I’ll just pick a little something up on the way home to hold me over until dinner”
“You have to be kidding me. I won’t fit in that rental car. You’ll need the jaws of life to get me out”
“No thank you. I never eat dessert”
“Can I have skim milk with my coffee?”
“How can you be so big? I never see you eat”
“You really look hot. You’re sweating. Take off your shirt. Jump in. The water is great. “
“Different manufacturers make their clothes smaller. It’s really a 3X”
“We only make sizes up to 2X. Sorry.”
“No one over 300lbs can ride this ride”
“Sorry sir, if you can’t put the bar all of the way down, you’ll have to exit the ride”
“Daddy can’t do that, his leg hurts”
“Daddy can’t do that, his back hurts”
“Daddy can’t do that, he’s too fat”
“I was stuck in the seat, when I got up, the chair got up with me.”
“We’ll have to special order that for your size”
“Should you be eating so many carbs?”
“You used to be really handsome”
“I didn’t even recognize you”
“Man, did you get fat”
“I’m just big boned”
“I’ve got a lot of muscle underneath. It’s just an overcoat”
“Do you need help getting up?”
”You move pretty good for a big guy”
“ 2 egg McMuffins, 2 bottles of water ”
“Aren’t you embarrassed by the way you look?
”You can’t feel good about yourself”
”Don’t you want to be around for your kids?”
“I’ll start tomorrow”
“Today is the first day of the rest of my life! It is tomorrow! ”
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